If you want solid answers, then I suggest visitingRelationship Hero. Stop bringing it up daily and tell your boss so s/he can fix this, because if boss fixes the problem by making coworker to their own work, youll be happier and wont need to vent every day. I trend towards worry and depression and someone jumping in like this can be useful when Im clear-headed enough to seek out silver linings or a pathway through a difficult time myself, and a quick reframing of the day is good. Great. So now the big things have to wait until after the kids are in bed, which means I need to prioritize what is the most important thing to get off my chest. Once people understand what they are doing and its impact they should be able to moderate their behavior. And honestly it probably is hard doing that and then coming home to someone who cant relate to that experience at all. and asking to get taken off projects that are causing the most stress (not successful :( but he tried). I dont know if this frame might be helpful for your wife. So Id carp and complain and bitch to my spouse. So I guess I dont really have any specific advice, other than to maybe give yourself permission to tune out more and try to set an end date somehow. I feel bad for the OPs wife (not because of the OP, but because I work in a job which, while I mostly like it most of the time, involves a lot of emotional labor too), and cynical about all the comments suggesting that shes probably just a super negative habitual whiner who should make better choices. all rights reserved. But she doesnt seem to remember these kinds of things anymore. Hes a complainer and a verbal processor, and with covid and both of us being stuck at home there arent really many outlets. I told him he didnt have to listen, just nod and say, Uh huh every so often. And then that her reaction is to double down and explain to you how none of the solutions will work? ), I ask if they need to talk more. (I learned this from one of Suzette Haden Elgins books on The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, which are fascinating reads.) Maybe you have to sleep on a certain side of the bed, or maybe you never want to have pickles on your burger. from the more physical expressions of anger, which creates a link in your subconscious of anger = feels good which then makes your brain want to be angry more to get those benefits. update: how should we respond to complaints about a non-binary guest in the bathrooms? Can you ask that she find someone else to vent to? Do you know? Nobody is perfect and no relationship is easy all the time, but I know if my husband told me how unhappy I was making him with my negativity, Id do whatever I could to remedy the situation. For my part, after COVID hit and I went remote I missed the normal hallway griping Id normally do with coworkers. I was miserable at work, was being asked to do different duties than I was hired for, and my attempts to discuss my growth opportunities were glazed over by my manager. She didnt! First, lets make one thing clear: just because your partner is exhibiting a couple of the behaviors that I just talked about doesnt mean that they definitely dont love you. My immediate reaction was to shut that down, because I couldnt POSSIBLY quit without another job lined up. She needs a time to vent, that is true. Its okay to say I can deal with ten minutes/can we only do this twice a week rather than every day/can you do this particular kind of venting at someone whos not me. Ill add this: OPs wife would benefit from a therapist. For me, it was the job. Esp the Im so right part (!!) AAMs advice is sound. I try not do that with my husband because I dont want to test his saint-like patience. I was this person before I changed my job. I agree with other posters that they ought not to use venting as an excuse for inaction. I suck it up because my mom usually limits it to one story. But dont worry, many of us have been there before. Definitely seconding the suggestion for a designated time for venting. She needs to find a counsellor to talk through this with and perhaps even who nudges her to find a profession she can handle better without burning you out. If you are truly in love with someone, you will never make them a second option!. I would think something like this could help here a lot too. Good luck to all of us. And venting was a way of letting go of some of that stress. I have also tried the Okay, youve just spent 10 minutes b*tching about Subject that actually doesnt really affect you in any way, now list 3 good things but as hes a grown-a$$ adult, that only goes so far. We do apples and onions what was good, what was not so good about your day. My better halfs mother is a lovely woman, but the most negative person in the free world. At one point, I shared an office with a blamer/complainer, and then I went home and listened to my spouse blame/complain about his job. The first thing that jumped out at me in this letter was the need for you and your partner to communicate more clearly and openly with each other! I worked AND lived with my mother. If you agree to listen to someone venting, one thing that works well is to answer with a compliment. I am not saying that you need a divorce. I used to have a roommate that got home from work ten minutes after I did. My husband was unhappy with his job and actively interviewing. It really helps around the supper table. But it needs to NOT BE DINNER. Are you finding yourself trying to solve her problems, and offering solutions for her? Were living in stressful times and hearing other people complain can definitely add to the stress. You can remember a time when you felt incredibly guilty for the slip of a tongue during a fight, and you knew you messed up when you crossed a line and said something too hurtful. OP, encourage your wife to complete the stress circuit before she launches into her complaints. Nothing changed. When life gives you lemons, your wife is meant to show up and make you lemonade. If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach. He took himself to the doctor for a checkup, and went back on his depression and anxiety meds. I find that when my depression bites, everything is annoying, even trivial things such as Jane took my pen. Traditional womens lifestyles, by contrast, could not function like that. How do you want to handle that situation? According to Rob Pascale and Lou Primavera Ph.D. inPsychology Today, Trust is one of the keystones of any relationshipwithout it two people cannot be comfortable with each other and the relationship lacks stability.. I do agree with Alisons advice, but, if someone is really struggling with work (or anything, for that matter), it can be hard to hear from a partner about the toll on *them*. Additionally, the act of writing things down actually helped me realise that some of this stuff was either a) really minor and would blow over or b) was something that wasnt going to be fixed no matter how much I complained. Mom has NO recollection about the things she griped about. He was stressed and needed to vent, at this we were both flung into WFH and he couldnt grab a coffee with a coworker, I was the support network. Something about this statement really rubs me the wrong way, but I cant articulate exactly why. It was so draining being on the receiving end of constant ranting and when the persons situation got better I did set some boundaries and they were not received well. Watch this quick video to learn about 3 techniques that will help you repair your marriage (even if your wife isnt interested at the moment). This may not apply to you, but I want to share something else that has been helpful for me: when my partner complains, I have shifted to realizing that I need to allow her to feel the frustration, anger, hurt, or sadness (etc) without feeling like its a problem to solve because her problem is actually feeling *alone* in the feelings, not the feelings themself. If so just do it. You think about what they may be doing, whether theyve eaten or not, whether they need you for anything at all, or how they might be feeling. And if recently, did it seem like she enjoyed it? Also if this is accessible to your family: therapy. For this read dumping your entire life into somebody elses lap, thus coercing them into providing the therapy that would cost you good money anywhere else. In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation. For me, I used to complain a lot about one particular person in my job. They dont accept you anymore because they know you arent making your wife happy the way she once was. Im not saying thats how its being framed, but rather how it would feel to me. But shed benefit by taking control of it instead of letting it control her. I would get done with my day and just vent to my wife for the rest of the evening. He feeling is harsh. I know that doesnt really help OP, but I understand where theyre coming from. I often wondered why she didnt look for a new position. Do most people trust their coworkers to vent to? However I have a need for less stress during dinner which I want something for me to look forward to. Ive had periods in my life where my counsellor definitely got the download of all my stress. Its hard, though, because my husband almost never starts conversations or contributes (besides pointing out when Im not technically correct on something). Written and directed by Filipino Canadian filmmaker Kathleen Jayme, the sports documentary 'The Grizzlie Truth' seeks to uncover the truth behind the abrupt move of Vancouver's first and only NBA team to Memphis Read more Sometimes you can be married and be more alone than people who are single. We go for a short walk before dinner. I highly recommend the book Positivity by Barbara Frederickson. WebCheck today's top 10 news stories, headline news, breaking news, latest news, politics news, sports news, entertainment news and business news on Times of India A Better Tomorrow (3.58): The world how we'd like to see it. I will be pope next. O wife, wife! said he, how can you be pope? While I might think Im shielding others from negativity when doing that, what Im actually doing is hiding how I feel and missing an occasion to be seen and understood (AKA to connect emotionally). +1, I think limiting it to while youre walking outside helps a lot; it feels like youre not just sitting around complaining (because you literally arent!) Who was your favorite HS teacher? Where should we go on vacation next year? Do you remember that time when Last Updated December 1, 2022, 7:01 am, by You forgot that your wife has a life outside of being your wife; an entire person filled with thoughts and ideas and frustrations, but youve made zero effort to understand her outside of her wifely duties to you. You would still be listening to the complaint, but it doesnt feel so heavy. OP, Im really sorry that youre having to deal with this. I can believe that. It could also be a sign that she needs a new job, or that shes unhappy in general. For straight employees, labeling close opposite sex friends work spouses certainly wont make developing these cross-sex ties any easier. Work is over. Maybe listening enough to figure whether its Kent still hasnt figured out reply-all or layoffs are imminent and inevitable sorts of things can help with timing this. That is a very common feeling in high -pressure jobs I cant leave because Id let my team fail, therefore I have to set myself on fire to keep them warm. Great observation, CCC. If you want to know a profession less valued & more underpaid than primary education, look no further. Maybe buy them a nice journal so they have a place to put all those feelings on their own time. She barely wants to be your wife anymore; why would she want to be your nurse? Some jobs are just hard (or not quite well-suited for us!) How was the left over linguine for lunch? How was [co-worker or client she likes] today? If shes just a talker, which is what I am, she will happily start discussing the positive things that youve talked about. thing. I think sometimes people vent because they want to talk about something, and its what they have to talk about. I cant change it, and I cant thrive in it.. Ive been in similar positions in the past and oof. If she ends up being unable to comply, then maybe theres something bigger going on that bears investigating. We make a loop. My ex was/is like this. Dont ask open ended things like, how was your day? Because you know the answer. If you havent read it, the book is effectively an unending rant about all the terrible things that happened to the kid that day. sometimes people can fall into a habit of just negatively venting about things to one particular person, not realizing what a burden that can be. We spend at least a couple hours a week together (mostly walking/hiking) and use that time to talk about everything on our mind. Barring that, I have another friend whose husband pays a therapist so he can have a venting outlet because my friend couldnt take it anymore. Yes, she could have other issues going on her life, and thats fine, but when the forgetfulness seems to only involve things to do with you, that could be a bad sign she just isnt interested anymore. She let him know that she understood he was having difficulties at work but that she needed a break from the complaints about it. I am a bit of a blamer when my husband and I first got together we decided that we would have a no fault marriage. Its become a power struggle, with her wondering how far she can push you before you finally pull the plug and end the marriage. I would suggest she find a therapist. So keep a handle on the amount of time you talk about work. Seconding this. My friend felt that her coupledom had ceased to exist. My partner and I have both done therapy throughout the years, so were familiar with the process and its benefits. Not only does it feel great to move our bodies after being sedentary all day, thats where we do most (if any) of our work complaining. You also dont mention the industry shes in. Personal anecdote . Ill also offer another bit of insight which might be entirely extrapolation, disregard if thats the case: in the letter you say that you dont have much to complain about (which is wonderful) but that when it does happen, you choose not to. My husband asks me sometimes to talk about it less and Im not offended. Saying the things that frustrate you out loud is enough to help process them and get them off your mind. That being said, if its taking over dinner every evening, yeah, thats a bit much. The children who were randomly labeled smart, actually performed better in school. Re: commuting being a time to decompress I was thinking of the interview that Alison did with the EAP person, where she said that walking around the block for 10 minutes before and after work helped her to create mental separation and decompress from her stressful job while working at home. Then there will be no you left to criticize the mood or even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself, going on forever like a machine. Ive met people like that where the grumble is so ingrained that they can barely say anything nice about anything. Your wife is probably looking for connection, and shell start to lean towards positive talk if thats what she finds connects her to you. If youre not mentally up for it she should not force it on you. I hope she also considers therapy. But emailing them to yourself keeps them away from a wider audience. When the woman youve chosen to spend your life with treats you differently in a negative way it can be soul-destroying. It helped me a lot when things tipped over from frustrating everyday complaints to sitting in my car for 20 minutes because I didnt want to walk into the office. Not only is their energy draining, but theyre stressful to be around because theyre never satisfied with anything, theyre super critical of others, and nothing anyone does for them or just in general is ever good enough. Im a Fixer by nature so listening to this venting was really draining because I was trying to actively listen and problem-solve. I have a close family member who complains more than anyone Ive ever met. You might as well explain your problem to an inanimate object, like a rubber duck. Putting a time limit will also hopefully help her to focus on her biggest gripe, not just a stream of complaining about any and every thing that went wrong. It sounds like your wife may not have much of a support system of buddies who are receptive to venting; though I have to emphasize that without it being a mutually encouraging two-way street, its not something just to dump on friends, either! Try this technique with your MIL, mentioned in a thread above (which I have also used with great success): I hear you, that sounds hard what are you planning to do about it?. But think about this. -What would you like to do this weekend? Pick a time to discuss how this is affecting you that is not after work, and not when she is in the moment of thinking about how much she did not enjoy her job that day. She may not even realize how stressful this is for you. Unfortunately that means someone else, people like the LW, is receiving that stress that is being released. My husband has been griping for years about his job, yet has done absolutely nothing to move on from it in any way. WebThe empty string is a legitimate string, upon which most string operations should work. She might have even made you feel embarrassed or ashamed for your habits more than once. Constant negativity, even when constant for 10, 20 min is a pretty long duration of negativity). Think about it. I realize its dinner, so maybe its awkward, but calmly pick up your plate, say, I am leaving now, and go. She points out and highlights everything you do wrong, even things that other people would never even think about. She wants (and possibly actually feels the need) to complain. Even if you have something as small as a minor headache or you cut yourself while cooking, a loving wife will always be ready to pounce and get the first aid kit. She might even tell you that she loves you, but remember, actions dont lie! I talk about work way more than I want to just because it feels like theres nothing else to talk about. Your wife probably doesnt even know why she cant stop talking rubbish but the moodier you get the more you pull away the MORE shell be chasing you around talking at you. Israel Cando | TFC News Vancouver Dec 09 08:31 PM. Once in a while, of course. The woman, now 39, alleged the Backstreet Boys artist raped her when she was 17 in 2001. Not to. My husband and I do the complaining while walking the dogs. And I dont have time to myself to decompress after work. If the job causes that much stress, she might as well use the remediation that the company provides. It doesn't appear in any feeds, and anyone with a direct link to it will see a message like this one. We have friends who have been in a similar boat where one member of the couple said if he could help he would listen to his wifes complaints, but if it was just day after day ranting for no other reason than to let off steam, then he couldnt do that. Also its probably time for a new job for her. Does she complain constantly about other aspects of life health, money, politics, etc.? It is legit to need to complain. Your point about privilege is perfectly legitimate, but criticizing someone for not wanting to hear a slew of negativity every night of their life is not allowed here. She would go to a store or restaurant after work and take it out on the staff so I didnt put my husband and kids through it. Once I finally understood that (and it took more than a hint) I sought out therapy and another job. An admin co-worker at a previous job was a constant irritant, in large and small ways, and my bosses wouldnt do anything about her attitude, her lousy work ethic, yada, or the ways it made my job more difficult. We did at one point decide during the toxic job years to limit the time allowed for venting. He gets to complain the first half of the loop, I get the second. Validation? OP, one other thing I might mention is that this is probably a way that shes connecting with you. My spouse and I have a code word we use with each other when weve hit the limit for hearing the others stressors. the way the cliniciansthe entire purpose of the organizationwere the least well paid, the most pressured, the [insert ways one can be undervalued, taken for granted, etc]. That works for a bit, but after hearing similar complaints without much change, it much be hard! Watch this video right now to learn about 3 techniques that will help you repair your relationship (even if your wife isnt interested at the moment). So you hear it but you are also doing something else. However, you do need to start taking action to stop the downward slide. Of course, you want your wife to be able to vent to you about her problems. You could see the pain in your wifes eyes and the anger in your heart would disappear immediately because you knew there was nothing more important than apologizing for what you just said. There is a big difference between punishing her and protecting yourself, dont cross that line or it makes things harder to resolve to mutual benefit. When I am annoyed about something at work, the best person to vent to is someone else at work, because they know all the players and the nuances of the situation. She would be like Oh well he/shes gonna say this or do that, blah blah, essentially her mind was set. And that some people just maybe have a more pessimistic or tendency for complaining. It only got better for me when I moved into a different job at that company that wasnt public-facing. When love is floating in the air, you remember things youve said in previous conversations. If I was told kindly that it was an issue for me, I would work to change. I also agree that, if it works for your schedule and weather, a fifteen minute walk is ideal. Now, back then, a complaint meant to me that I was being asked for solutions. I sympathize with the wife. Men, they say, are shying away from one-on-one interactions with women at work, including mentoring, one-on-one work meetings and socializing. Thats all there is. The only thing that saved our sanity was venting to each other. I was just going to say the same thing! The best place to start is by watching this free video by marriage guru Brad Browning. Answer (1 of 15): A relative of mine. Youre in charge of communicating what *you* need, feel, expect, or will/wont do. Why dont you go*insert something he knows she enjoys* while I start dinner?. I dont have any great advice for you because the lightbulb needs to come on for your spouse before she can change. Laughing about it beats complaining!). In a way, he's pea****ing and trying to gain your admiration. Exactly. Im glad for their relationship that OP wrote in because hes not able to function as a partner right now. How about we both share the best part of our day and the weirdest thing somebody said? If you can help her reframe the negativity into Wow people are so stupid/dumb/annoying that its funny! kind of mentality, that might help (note: Im not advocating making fun of people, but this is a strategy to move the complaints into a more positive light and possible help OP). But I paid her an hourly rate and she had a supervisor to go to in order to deal with the fallout of peoples second hand trauma. Especially the toxic folks that never want to change their situation (not saying that is the letter writers spouse). The problem-solving approach might really help. She needs a sympathetic ear, not a problem-solver. at Dear Prudence: https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/02/adult-stepdaughter-naked-in-front-of-father-dear-prudence-advice.html. Yeah, this is similar to what we did when we both had terrible jobs. In general in my life I know Im EXTRA annoyed at people who do things that I make a point to avoid doing myself. (Venting and hinting are not always the same as communicating!) I think setting a time/location limit can definitely be useful. He finally told me that hearing constant negativity was increasing his anxiety to the point that he dreaded it when I would come home. But I actually feel bad for the wife in this situation as its clear she is trying to tell her husband shes not happy but maybe just not doing it in a super productive way. (I probably should have reached out to a therapist of my own.) A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. Im more on the side of get heard while still in your work clothes, you get five minutes to talk about your day, then I get five minutes, then we change, and take the resentment off with our work clothes.. A lot of people feel that venting is helpful, because they feel better in the short term. Press J to jump to the feed. And also having a clear conversation about it like Alison suggests. I am having a physical reaction just thinking about it. I also struggle with what to talk about from my day if not work, which is mostly (HR) not pleasant or able to be discussed. She starts every time we get together and my husband and I have to stop her by finally saying, so tell me again why you dont use the job resources we sent you and your network and get the hell out of there? She may say its okay or dont worry about it to end a quick argument, but she doesnt really care about going through the process of forgiving you; she simply wants the immediate negativity to go away, so she can go back to waiting for the marriage to collapse. She has lost total interest in your stupid quirks and thinks of them more as burdens than anything else. I also wonder if she is generally just a complainer? I dont know, Im not a doctor. By mutual agreement, set up a recording device and record 5 consecutive post-work evenings. And then we had a baby and I was on mat leave. The disagreements and arguments are expected, but the ability to move on from those issues peacefully and with love still in your heart is something you and your wife have to actively develop and master. I have tried sensitively saying that we should not spend dinner complaining. Did I read this in The Dance of Anger? I have no idea if this applies here, but wanted to share. It can be tough to fake sympathy but I had to. But Im with OP, I just cant listen to it constantly. But, I guess the thing that bothers me the most about him talking about his day so much is that he outright ignores me when I talk about my day (which is so rare, maybe 1 or 2 times a year do I talk about my day). If Im complaining, I have already worked it through in my own head, probably for a long time, and determined that theres nothing I *can* do about it for the moment except try to endure. Also, make sure you share with her about your day in the way youd like her to share with you! For a while a couple of years ago, my husband, my sister, and my best friend all HAAAAAATED their jobs. The article I read said that actually, the whole take a deep breath, count to ten, then let it go is a better strategy long-term because your body / brain dont get any rewards from being angry, so it becomes less-inclined to be angry. After several weeks off work sick he went back and threw himself into job hunting. I was sure I was doing already because isnt it obvious? But here goes: My wife will not shut up. Venting to the therapist always feels better, and now the complaints we share with each other are mostly humorous! I swear by the occasional rage ride. Yes, and enforce it even if awkward. But in the less rarefied social climate of the real world, there is no such even playing field. Its just more within the LWs control to set those boundaries rather than figure out how to get his wife over the repetitive complaints-something I tried to articulate in the first comment but didnt quite say. Its meaningless, its cheap and its ghastly. I dont want to complain about work very often anymore. Its so interesting how fast our brains can form that kind of association. See what happens from there. Lastly, absolutely she should see what to do about fixing the situation, including finding a new job! That script (When you X, I feel Y, because Z) is exactly the (relationship experts) Gottmans approach, and I have to say, I kind of rolled my eyes when I first heard it in a workshop I took with my partner because it seems so simple! One technique is the Stress-Reducing Conversation, which allows each of you to vent to one another in a way that promotes intimacy. Maybe more for Jane took my pen versus My boss is screwing me out of overtime pay.. He was getting more and more frustrated with his job, and the first hour or two after he came back from work was just him ranting about his co-workers, his manager, his managers manager, the high volume of work he completed compared to everyone else, the temperature in the office (old govt building) etc. are there for me (even if I am always mindful of Graham Nortons caution that, "A problem shared is . Its more assurance that she has no other obligations/nobody has other expectations of her during that time so she can use her full headspace on whatever she wants. The modern technology that permits such outrages is reinforced by a similarly modern attachment to the sub-Californian New Age philosophy that. And after I was gone, he realized it was up to him to change the situation? Its had a positive impact on my whole life. My friend group has bi-weekly chats and thats definitely part of what the time is really good for, I think. This is not a time to talk through it she just wants to complain and wants me to listen. Whew. It is a never ending source of stress, frustration, burn-out, etc. He's very needy for a 21 year old. . You cant necessarily change her behavior, but you can set and enforce your own boundaries. WebSee hot celebrity videos, E! So if she used to talk about the future with optimism and excitement and now she doesnt even want to talk about it, that could be a bad sign. gossip!"). I think it will be tough to have a productive conversation about this while you have judgment about it. I started looking for the positive when I realized that was true. Agreed. easy as that man. If its not your turn to hate your job, it makes you reframe all of the things youd normally be complaining about. They have I transferred out of customer facing work last year and the relief was immediate and intense. Also, i think there was a post on AAM about venting to colleagues (or something like that) that could be applicable here too. I mean as soon as Fastest way to find himself looking for somewhere else to be permanently. WebWatch breaking news videos, viral videos and original video clips on CNN.com. Side note, I think walking and talking also works well because youre usually side by side and theres that idea of the best way to talk to someone: sitting straight across a table from each other can feel adversarial, side by side feels less intimidating, and sitting at ninety degrees is a good compromise- close enough to talk but you can also look out straight and not at the other person. That doesn't mean cutting someone out of your working life, it just means not dragging them into it day in, day out. With a spouse, its a little touchier, since its not a professional context, but you can be transparent about this and present it as a condition for listening. So, its more about cutting down and not eliminating. How do I transcend the current pressure, or how do I break away to something better?. For me, it became easier to internally triage my complaints and recognize how I could deal with them in other ways. He needs to find a way to tell her what he needs without this level of raw emotion. She may feel they have the perfect synergy. If she is just doing it out of habit, recognizing that can prompt her to change the habit. Share the venting around? I also love the suggestion to ask for something positive about the day as well, and for OP to get a chance to talk about their own day. The first thing you tell your parents about when you catch up with them is how they are. We likely have fewer close coworker friends who are the gender were attracted to, because its much harder to develop these friendships. Ive been trying to nod and mm-hmm my way through more of these, especially if its just more of something hes already talked about. ), I listen to the amount that I am willing to listen to, and I point out that were both home together and he deserves better than having them steal his free time in addition to his on the clock time. While not quite as foreboding, my advice runs a similar vein. Now, this obviously isnt a sign by itself. I was complaining a lot and it turns I needed a new job, but I felt like I couldnt. This unloading, while it was not complaining, it still was very time consuming and exhausting. What Im not seeing in the commenters letter is how hes contributing to the conversation. She may call that communication if she wishes; I call it a damnably ill-mannered hi-jacking of an innocent persons time and attention. Stopped me cold and made me more aware of how I was coming off and how negative Id gotten. She can read, watch trash TV, play games, take a nap, make a cup of her favourite beverage along with a little snack. Boundaries are hard and they can feel bad, but it doesnt mean that they are wrong. Then you can follow up with a coping question like, How did you manage to stay calm and to handle it so professionally? This diverts attention from the complaint to the complainers strengths and skills. The classic example of this labeling effect comes from a study of teachers and students, where some students were randomly labeled as smart. Sometimes youve hit a wall and you really dont know what to do next. You: Wow, that sounds stressful. Venting doesnt have to be to another person to be helpful. The suggestion of having a Zoom/Facetime/However It Works meeting with friends or a therapist is something Ive used starting during the pandemic and holy crap it helps SO MUCH. NonConsent/Reluctance 10/25/10: Julie's Surprise (3.97) A small story of embarrassment and humiliation. I think if she was someone whos on planned this way about everything, he would have noticed and not explicitly stated that hints are otherwise good. Does she not cuddle you the way she once did when you two watch movies, or does she never even hold your hand anymore when youre outside or sitting together? :). Now hes gone back to the office, and its helped a lot. I mean she (almost) literally will NOT. Didnt read the other comments but Im going to throw this out there: in the event you observe Lent, suggest that you and she could give up complaining for Lent. Tucked away in the jungle, with identical patterns to their days and identical concerns - appetites and fears you can scarcely put a syllable between David and Jan or Dean and Myleene. But if she cant naturally spark up when youre talking to a gorgeous lady, then thats a bad sign that she may be falling out of love with you. Shes the person who always wants to know what youre doing, what youre feeling, whats going on with your life, and if theres anything she can do to improve your life in any way. His complaining was hard on both of us! I have some sympathy with your wife as I like a good moan too and I find it cathartic to let off some steam. Labeling these friends work spouses certainly doesnt make it any easier. That change may actually dramatically shorten these conversations, because she wont feel like she needs to convince you that it really is as bad as she is saying. Ooooof, I feel for you. Creating false situations in ones head about what could happen, especially getting upset over a situation that hasnt happened is not healthy at all. It worked, really well. I appreciate and understand why hearing your partner complain a lot can be very stressful, however that doesnt appear to be what he is focused on. People respond negatively to his behavior, which just drives him deeper into his misery and leads him to complain more. Or, was your a-hole boss better today?Because you know the answer. Take exercise classes. If the partner is actually looking for solutions, then the couple can make a plan to problem solve after a nice quiet dinner, and probably point her to this site for ideas about changing to a better work environment. Ive done okay. Or the opposite! Just that they need to change how theyre interacting in this regard. Maybe tell her you want to talk about something more relaxing? Like, regular crying in the boiler room level of stress. My point is, absolutely the husband needs to be direct about how this is impacting him, hopefully as gently as possible, because she sounds really miserable about her work and probably is not going to get the hints he is dropping. This is not so much of an issue any more. And its not always as simple as well, change jobs if you hate it so much. I dont have concrete suggstions besides trying to put a firm limit on venting-time (20 minutes tops, I say). Some things that have made it easier for me: wanting to be near family), the whole field is like this and in order to improve things shed need to retrain for a different field? When I used to go out to Happy hour with my colleagues in the before times we used to set a timer for 30 minutes. Its really hard when your spouse is a source of stress rather than support. It helped us both for me to unpack what I needed from the complaining. But she needs a neutral third party to get to the root of her discontent. I found that 20mg of Lexapro a day made living with a chronic complainer and fault finder much easier. While she cant forgive you, when was the last time you sincerely tried winning her forgiveness? These friendships require that we navigate romantic attraction, potential jealousy from our real spouse and concern about how other coworkers will perceive the friendship. According toDr. Suzana E. Flores, a sign someone is in love with is if their focus is purely on you: Someone may be in love when they begin to focus a lot of their attention on you, especially in one-on-one settings.. Pearl Nash You dont have to complain about everything (or anything, really). We shouldnt complain wouldnt (and clearly didnt) land well. You should have that expectation. Theyre hard to fake after all. I dont have much to complain about anymore. That said, the OP shouldnt be the wifes only source of emotional support on this! As a recovering complainer, I really like this idea! Im late to this party, but I have been on both sides of this thing-Ive been both the complainer and the complained-to. Where there used to be at least an awareness that you can have too much of a good thing, where a woman would once scold herself, "Oooh, listen to me, chattering away; I really must get on" - many of todays women actually take pride in their excesses of verbal dribbling: "We are," they will boast to any who will listen, "so much better than men at communicating.". Because there is a need. You respect what your partner has to say and you listen to them when they talk. If I just brainstorm as many positive things I can, however miniscule, it sometimes shifts my mindset enough to reset it to positive. ), but with an empathetic tone. More independence to pursue a project? Her recommendation about creating rituals to end the workday feels really good for this situation. I have a very well (perhaps over) developed sense of snark, and while Im complaining, Im also laughing, kwim? Complaining about work was a form of trauma bonding, and when I realized what a toll it was taking on my mental health (and I was the complainer!) So Id say a lot depends on the scenario. Im in a customer facing role also, and it feels like customers have gotten so much worse lately, so I feel her pain. When your relationship started getting serious, you were inseparable. Everything was so fresh in his mind that he was processing it very intensely, in front of me. Like this person: I cant remember where I read it, but a woman shared her after work stress relief ritual. Its also a gentle reminder that hes on a bit of a rant and to wrap it up. Sometimes youve hit a wall and you really dont know what to do next. He thought it was funny and that I wouldnt do it. Anybody can say they love you, but behavior doesnt lie. Fast forward a couple of decades. "Create a balance in what you discuss. I fully realize some of them may be off base, so feel very free to ignore me if none of this applies. muckraker But then someone said OK, lets agree that when the wine arrives well stop talking about work, and we did. I can say whatever I please and no one is really gonna listen. The hour after my spouse gets off work is the time he can vent/complain/not talk about work as he wishes. Not ideal, but I dont have anything better. Maybe she does need a new job. Repeatedly. Now listen, as if you have any choice in the matter, to a woman on the same train. And if you try to initiate some kind of physical contact, does she seem to subtly push you away? I dont have the answers unfortunately. She truly was a terrible coworker and was just baffling that she still had a job. As weve said above, you ask for advice from someone you respect. There isnt a universal optimum. Im afraid Im guilty of this, so its interesting to see from the perspective of the recipient. . Say it politely that will do the job and will not even hurt her sentiments. The kind of guy that goes to work every day, makes sure all the bills are paid, you know Rock of Gibraltar type person. You never have a conversation with her, youre just an audience. 2. (The socks were dark colors and hard for me to see.) Im a venter and am taking what Im reading to heart. Birthdays, anniversaries, what your favorite meal is. I held firm. I have a similar challenge with my partner as well as my friends. Especially if one of the options on the menu for her is to vent for X minutes. This helps people feel really listened to because you are reflecting who they are as a person and not just the complaint. She looks better than she has in ages, but she isnt spending any extra time or effort on you. Hack Spirit. This is why a hallmark of most strong relationships is a couple texting or messaging each other randomly throughout the day. Sexy times at work, and how I got my Fiancee. Definitely will be mining this forum for suggestions. Meanwhile, I want to know how things are going for my spouse at work, but hes just complaining and working himself up to being stressed about it again. I was the kid in the situation for my entire childhood. Like me, you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation. Marriage, just like life, requires deliberate forethought and planning. However, this is a solution and the OPs wife is not looking for solutions. He had 1 interview. So thats another option. Some people need to unpack their heads out loud in order to release it. Honestly, shes probably burned through a lot of his empathy its a limited resource, especially these days. While I understand that, if I have to hear every day how *badcoworker* dumps extra work on you bc s/hes lazy and unmotivated and you continue to do the work and never tell your boss about the problem, then YES, thats a situation that needs fixing. So a friend of mine married a good guy. My best friend still complains constantly and bitterly, so Ive stopped answering those texts and emails and only answer ones that are not about work or have at least a slight positive note. Having been on the receiving end of that statement, it helps to be acknowledged (yes, youre right, everyone else is an idiot, whatever) and then asked to stop the rant train. But heres what you need to look out for: If shes cheery and happy with other people, but consistently down in the dumps with only you, then thats not a good sign. So we instituted a rule that she could talk to me (and I would pay attention) about her Thing for up to 30 minutes a day. There are dozens if not hundreds of little things that make you, you, and there was a time in your relationship when your wife not only remembered those little things but appreciated and even adored them. I agree with this, some people just complain constantly. I totally get that its too much for you! Its exhausting and what is really sad is his family just doesnt listen to him. I just dont react to it anymore- or at least not as often or as deeply. I hear the other commenters that are suggesting your wife needs therapy or other outlets or even a new job, and while you can make suggestions and support her in those things, I think its best to lay out the problem and let the other adult come to their own conclusions of how to handle her stress. Removed. Every now and again it might be wise, if not. But if shes not receptive to your feedback and is unwilling to try and modify her behavior to help improve your mental health, maybe your household isnt very happy after all. Next time she starts, use that to initiate a serious conversation about if she thinks shed be happier in another job. I have two good old friends who also have crazy stressful jobs in wildly different environments, and we make a point of getting together at least every couple weeks for a dedicated Vent Session, where we basically all sit around eating chicken wings and beer and tell each other, Wow I could NEVER do your job, youre a freaking ROCK, rock on!! It can be helpful if my problem is one that CAN be solved, but well, I got it recently when I was worrying, rather than complaining, about medical test results. And its just not possible for everyone to up and find a shiny new job without the same problems like some commenters like to suggest. Ive done some work on myself via therapy and reflection since then and realized Ive been acting out the same relationship that my dad had to workbelieving in meritocracy to the extent that you refuse to see youre not being rewarded, feeling ashamed if anyone helps you, being unable to protest poor treatment without shame. All rights reserved. Specifically, #143 I lent an ear to a friend, how do I get it back?. I understand that, but especially in the current climate where Covid has kept social events minimal and we are spending much more time at home, I am the only outlet for the days news. I immediately called him on it and asking him if he wanted to hear the rest of it and he just said no, it's not important and walked away. By changing the dynamic and giving her alone time especially if she is on all day then she has a chance for a real break between work and home. Its a lot to dump all in one place, all in one day. My partner is also a nurse, and our vent time is while he is taking a shower. It tends to build up over time, and he has to remind me again. OMG, please, dont use that response with your wife. But if youve seen several of these indicators in your spouse recently, and youre feeling that things arent on track with your marriage, I encourage you to act to turn things around now before matters get any worse. Reader, I did.). Why doesnt the letter writer try thinking more positively about her instead of asking she think more positively about her terrible job? She doesnt care enough about you to apologize for the way she made you feel; she just doesnt want to keep fighting. Your wife feel safe dumping this all on you. All of my time after work is *already* my time. I find this to be true too. Usually just ignores it, or comes back with complaints of her own. I think that fact that you vent to me keeps you just stable enough to stay in this shitty job of yours instead of focusing on a way out, which means Im ***actually making things worse for you***. Now, when *I* end up needing to vent for more than ten minutes a day about my job I know its time to start looking for a new job, because my spouse doesnt need to put up with an extended gripe session every day. Even if it gets in the wrong hands, you wont have to worry about it getting into your employers hands. My partner never tries to control my time, and if I just said hey I want to zone out and play on my phone for an hour he would say sure thats fine or maybe if he needed something sure thats fine but can you help me move this heavy object first or whatever. From experience, its really no fun (at best) to feel like youre somebodys emotional dumping ground. It is imperative to the health of your relationship that you stop being the recipient of all of your wifes complaints. Louise Jackson Its like he has no concept of levels of annoyance, and rockets up to 11 each time. I would give her ten minutes-set a timer! We do kind of the same thing, but playing with the dog in the backyard. This is such a good idea and it keeps the stress outside the house! This would go over TERRIBLY in my household. And absolutely make a rule that dinner time is pleasant and not a time to whine at your partner. Being treated poorly in your job doesnt mean you get free range to treat other people poorly outside of your job. If its supposedly so easy and (also so necessary) for her to change this, then itd be easy for him to do the same and stop getting so riled up by hearing it, right? It helped keep work complaints in perspective, gave us the outlet to word vomit about the verbal abuse we suffered, and kept catharsis from taking over the rest of the day. When it didnt, I had a frank but kind conversation with him that his constant complaining was wearing on me and probably him as well. I have to hear about all the rotten customers she dealt with, all the mistakes her coworkers made, and how she gets no respect from anyone. I explained to him that if anything, its anti-bonding to me and only makes me want to spend less time with a whiner. Before I would feel so incredibly stressed out because any feeling other than happy or neutral were something that my family didnt allow and here my partner was justnot playing by those rules! Maybe, but she might have also simply gotten into the habit of grumbling and now cant stop. When she snuggles up to you while watching a movie, it shows that she feels safe in your arms. So put aside your judgment, and your feeling that your way is the better way and shes doing the wrong thing by complaining and focus on yourself. By explaining in that way it helps you to understand exactly what you are feeling, and what you want them to understand. She might give consideration to changing jobs, but at a minimum shell be more aware of how the OP sees the situation. WebPay with CCBill Pay Already have a CCBill Pay account? Maybe make it into a game: Ask for the one most egregious thing she saw that day and see if you can limit it to that? I know he got sick of it. Its so hard in a lot of customer-facing roles because its like youre constantly playing the part of a Happy Helpful Smiley Person, no matter how horrible customers are to you, and its a whole different situation than a bad day at a non-customer-facing office job. A place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage. After ever single bad meeting, he would debrief with me since we were in the same space. Hobbies outside of work (both together and individually) update: I work at Twitter what do I do? Similar situation: I am the uber-complainer and my husband, who doesnt work due to anxiety/PTSD disability issues had to put up with my constant griping and hours of kvetching about all the stupid I would deal with. Theres a reason it is an actual job, its work to hear peoples struggles. After several arguments, I finally told my partner that I had nothing else to add becauseI literally didnt. In the weeks following this conversation, when my partner would complain, Id listen and then point out that a therapist might have more objective suggestions. Its a little way to ask how the day was and not get fine in response. --. Its normal for the sex life of a long-term couple to start to die down over time, especially after years or decades have been spent together. 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