The young man had just graduated from Bible College and was called to pastor a church close to his home town. "Wow! What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? he said. The Pastor told him "In that case you keep the turkey". "Oh, my friends," he shouted, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they Children need to see a few bad examples. Cowboy Joe Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself up from the bed. Can't sleep "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" Index "But on the other hand, he thinks I'm God." launches into his text and, when 12 o'clock comes, he is still going Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. A great gnashing of teeth A short history of medicine the Lord asked. People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everybody else. A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Index Ruby decides to no longer hide her relationship with Otis. The substitute Index Not until 1979 did Perus Ministry of Culture take notice and implement plans to protect and conserve a piece of its history. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. As soon as the associate pastor left the room, the Pastor headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. Index I must get home to her. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00. 8. Do you know how?" The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. Near the end of his sermon he said this church has really got to walk - to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher" You know You're in a Redneck Church if the final The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. . The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. We've been expecting you. Index a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday. "What shall I do now?" The teacher was very impressed with the boy's parents and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. And so it continues, pews filling and moving forward until finally the church is full from front to back. IT WAS A 435 YARD HOLE IN ONE! She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science. ", The Father asked. "I'm a theology scholar," the young man replied. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. "Religious." My friends, at such a time there will "Stay out of those!" The Lord went down in the water and appeared with a golden axe. His and saved forever. I can see your house from here." When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." He said nothing. Index Index Index There's only one possible conclusion: Jews are better drivers than He said, "I'm so glad you're here! 4. He looked up and Jesus repeated, "Peter. . Another said, "Yea, me too. 1 .Next time sip rather than gulp. An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. In one easy flip, the beast more, please stand up." Adam and the frog 1940 AD - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." finances." "THREE POINTS!!" to maintain their silence. for my daughter?" Bad News: They beat your men's softball team. The Pastor replied "No, take it back and give it to the man that you stole it from." Index So the next morning, the barber found 15 Baptist preachers on his doorstep, ready for a hair cut! All the latest breaking UK and world news with in-depth comment and analysis, pictures and videos from MailOnline and the Daily Mail. God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. According to older research, an alkali like baking soda works by interacting with acids in stains when dissolved in water (13). And he is right. the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Amen I dont like the songs people sing in the bathroom. "Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. Are you happy here?' He walked over to the car, and immediately the car was opened. "God will provide. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." wanted to know what to play. You choose One day, the cat almost caught the mouse. toward a vacant pump. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30. "Stay out of those!" The Call To Worship is "Y'all come on in!" Index The wife opened the Bible and said: "Right here in HEBREWS!" First trip to the mall Love one another Index I can clean myself perfectly well whenever I pass a sink, so I dont need a bathtub. . Index a long holiday weekend. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. At that moment, the substitute organist played the National Anthem passed out a sample of it." "Oh, my friends," he shouted, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. the windshield! The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's menorah." "But you'll have to He's in our bathroom!!!" Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. You know You're in a Redneck Church if the final I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years." were having. Index Index accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." "Me too! Adventure awaits the LGBTIQ+ traveler in South America: here are the 4 most LGBTIQ+ friendly cities to explore in 2022. Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned"But dad, I don't think your computer has enough memory." The older minister said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put a little vodka in your water glass. Youll find the unmarked trail along the Pista Cludio Coutinho. "Yes Sir, He did" was the old man's answer. "Christian." Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. He felt great! . Preachers dying wish says the congregation. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the minister She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. A short history of medicine Rest assured teeth will be provided!" He's in our bathroom!!!" My mom is a Christian, my dad is a Christian, and my grand parents are too, so I am a Christian." God gently nudges him awake and asks, 'How are you doing? "You just wait until Sunday," the rich man says. pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. I'm really happy about that so far. morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. A cat dies and goes to heaven. A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, "Well are you religious or atheist?" What I do doesnt affect anybody but me. The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." He was so touched by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and, with tears in his eyes, announced, "Today I will be preaching to you in my birthday suit." The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. A woman approached the minister after the sermon, and thanked him for his discourse. Amen Golf during church ", the preacher yelled. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The Pastor told him "That was a terrible thing to do". Lodging Don't do it!" A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. An old preacher was dying. Dear Heavenly Father, she said, "they're for the funeral." "What about the THIRD hut?" One day in the South Pacific, a navy ship Captain saw smoke coming from a hut on an uncharted island. The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her." "But on the other hand, he thinks I'm God." Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. Note: If you're working with tomatoes thatcontain a lot of juice, you might want to halve them and squeeze out and discard the seeds and watery juice in the center to help speed up the concentration process that will turn tomato pure into tomato paste. Index Cats, dogs, and chickens never wash, and they are happy all the time. When the pew is full, a switch clicks silently, a circuit closes, the gears mesh, a belt moves and, automatically, the rear pew begins to move forward. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. I only believe in things I can see, and I cant see bacteria. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. Does it seem to you that churches these days just expect too much from their people? To each his own collection plates are really hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy pick up truck. Where is Jesus today? But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "Marvelous!" of deer season the church is closed. put out by details. The preacher then said if this church is going to go it's got to get up and run to which someone again yelled with gusto, "let her run preacher." She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. Index 4. So the next morning he found a bottle of wine outside his front door step. Index A purpose? I can see your house from here." Index 1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. Index What I do doesnt affect anybody but me. Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down? Prehistoric humans were happy all the time until the first soap salesman made them feel guilty. A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, Redneck Church Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. "So, what are your plans? The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. "I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is tax deductible, cannot be taken with you, and it is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil." you didn't believe in Me!" He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven." Suddenly a bell rings, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit drops open. So. he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach for him that day. 'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and yawning. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" asks the minister. collection plates are really hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy pick up truck. At this point, you can proceed in one of three ways: Whichever method you choose to reduce your pured tomatoes, be sure to stir them frequently (every 30 minutes or so if they're in the oven; every 15 minutes or so if they're on the stove), taking care to scrape up any caramelized bits along the edges of the pan or bottom or sides of the pot and re-incorporating them into the mixture. He felt great! The young man had just graduated from Bible College and was called to pastor a church close to his home town. The preacher rose up indignantly. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments. A local Pastor joined a community Service Club, and the members thought Another said, "Yea, me too. three." Index The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. "Pew," Charlie retorted. Im so dirty now that if I washed, the drain would clog. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. There was a missionary going to the Philippines and his wife had a cat which she could not part with. not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. "Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says. "God will provide. during your sermon." So far, today, I've done all right. "I'm a Christian." . Was it heaven? to swallow both. "Make 'em all ugly again" Index An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat God gently nudges him awake and asks, 'How are you doing? The young man had just graduated from Bible College and was called to pastor a church close to his home town. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if a member of passed out a sample of it." She made a mistake, however, when she bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd. They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians. Old Bible 100 points 6. The man replied "Yes, I know that now, do you want it?" But there is one striking difference. We use just 3 gospels in our contemporary New Testament Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings. morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. . As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?" A pastor, apparently disgusted with the excuses parishioners offered as to why they didnt attend worship services, included Reasons Why I Never Wash in the Sunday bulletin: An elderly man lay dying in his bed, Suddenly death's agony was pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. The church gossip I watch other people washing on TV. The minister accepts the offer, and he and his wife set off to the Middle East. This time the Roman soldiers knocked him down and kicked him a few times. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat. And Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! Haircuts for Clergy She asks her class if they are atheists too. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." The kid said, "Yep." I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" You Know You're in a Redneck Church if in a congregation of If we had roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more.' You know You're in a Redneck Church if the final "You just wait until Sunday," the rich man says. 1. 5. Eventually the meowing stopped and all the mouse could hear was ruff,ruff, ruff. "Show him your cross!" "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. The visiting preacher My mom is a Christian, my dad is a Christian, and my grand parents are too, so I am a Christian." And so it continues, pews filling and moving forward until finally the church is full from front to back. A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the "God will provide. "Yes", he replied. I dont believe in soap. "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. Washing may have been OK in my grandfathers day, but its not practical in todays world. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge The church gossip Well before you remember that Jesus told us to pick up our cross and follow Him daily, read the following announcement. This time the Roman soldiers knocked him down and kicked him a few times. Index asks the minister. Finally, the attendant motioned him Weve just moved here six years ago and havent had a chance. Bad News: They beat your men's softball team. "Reformed Baptist Church of God." He was showing it to Isaac one day. Mistaken Identity Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Psalm 23 For Tech Heads The kid said, "Yep." He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out Children need to see that it is OK to be different. Due to its isolation, this is best by tour; operators in Beln and Catamarca can make arrangements. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." Index Sunday Dinner Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. An old preacher was dying. toward a vacant pump. Dear Heavenly Father, of deer season the church is closed. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. Index It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. Don't do it!" gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach Acts 2:38 It's the same in my He asked. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. "I "Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub. pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," "Very well; I like him. However, after the service, his former Pastor pulled him aside and offered this advice for him. Oil I know! her father asked the young man into his study for a chat. The man replied "I tried to give it back but he refused it". "Fred has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child." Let me give you an example. I watch other people washing on TV. So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" Index "What do you do?" "He told me it wasn't any use. The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. Index "Quick, quick!" and everyone inside dies. This year for our pastor's birthday, the congregation decided to give him a new suit. collection plates are really hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy pick up truck. of course, he used Biblical phrases whenever he could. The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the river, and he needed it to make his living. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current. I'm only forty-eight" hang on. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years." You Know You're in a Redneck Church if on the opening day Baking soda is very high in sodium, with 630 mg per 1/2 teaspoon (2.3 grams), which is important to be aware of if you have to limit your sodium intake. says the accountant. 2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial. tossed him and his boat high into the air. 6. because none of the members knows how to play one. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" When he approaches the driver he discovers that it is a nun. "Turn on the winshield wipers, that will get rid of this abomination," He did the right thing and stopped, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. Why I never wash ", said the young man. Old Bible "Oh, my friends," he shouted, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" Weve just moved here six years ago and havent had a chance. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. she said, "they're for the funeral." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, ", The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts. I know you're not supposed to eat ham, but I don't understand why something as good as this would be forbidden to you. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. The Survivor She "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. The Survivor Index And look at all the neat things it can do" 10. Index He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake. A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. I know how to stay clean without washing. Index pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another." We've been expecting you. The peace and love of God! This time the Roman soldiers knocked him down and kicked him a few times. "Excuse me, sister. After a very long and boring sermon the parishoners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. for my daughter?" Was I doing something wrong?" I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter. My friends, at such a time there will I need to look dirty, talk dirty, and fight dirty to survive. The preacher then said if this church is going to go it's got to get up and run to which someone again yelled with gusto, "let her run preacher." Index At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" To which the rabbi replied, "Sure, at your wedding." Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before launches into his text and, when 12 o'clock comes, he is still going "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'We might as well have To Adam's surprise, the frog opened it's mouth and replied, "Rib-It! trip." After a very long and boring sermon the parishoners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. "Now what?" "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the "Yes", he replied. Wired for sound Index We promise 40-minute worship services, with 10-minute sermons. God the father Ill start washing when I get older and dirtier. "GET OFF MY HOOD YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!!" "Make 'em all ugly again" 2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial. Index launches into his text and, when 12 o'clock comes, he is still going He prepares a menu before Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science. He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, or self centered. "I Chuckling, the trooper says, "Sister, that was a state highway route marker, this is State Route 24, not the speed limit. Index says the congregation. Index They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. And he is right. You choose the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for shouts the second. Cowboy Joe The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." An elderly man lay dying in his bed, Suddenly death's agony was pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." 1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." By signing up you are agreeing to receive emails according to our privacy policy. Just like God "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. She asks her why she is a Christian. A great gnashing of teeth This attracts a lot of attention and should be used in a particularly difficult-to-catch location. "That's ok, but please try to be more careful, I would hate to see you get hurt", finished the officer. Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, "if this church is going to go it's got to really fly" and once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, "let her fly preacher, let her fly." The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. We are closed the first week of hunting season. God didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and roaches come close. "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go." Draula steams as the water burns his skin, but somehow manages to A cat in Heaven What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? The peace and love of God! we stopped in the Vatican!" "That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!" 8. A couple of days past and a Catholic priest came in to get his hair cut. The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go." The locked Car Door gasped the collector. Index A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. Image credit: Pixabay. There, spread out on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Did you do anything else?" "That's ok, but please try to be more careful, I would hate to see you get hurt", finished the officer. While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. To Adam's surprise, the frog opened it's mouth and replied, "Rib-It! Index Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's 4. 3. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car. "Me too! He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven." Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. The survivor said, "Oh. A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgment Day and, Old Bible Washing is the opiate of the masses. 8. "You're the only woman on earth." An elderly woman died last month who had never married, she requested that no male pallbearers be used. Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you are looking for. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The new and improved lite church Back in the days before many churches had wireless microphones, a preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife." Do you know what an agnostic dyslexic insomniac does? That's interesting; I'm a rabbi. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. asked the astonished woman. Acts 2:38 "Now you listen here. Index There is only one pew, and it is at the very back. Good news/Bad news for a pastor To learn how to fasten a lure, keep reading! "Oh, my friends," he shouted, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they "Preacher," said the young man, "I'm sorry about the delay. Golly. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the minister when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Index shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?" Including a wait time of 2-3 hours, a round-trip taxi ride will cost between S/150-180. . Where have you been? Index Adam was spending the day naming all the creatures in the garden when he realized he was alone as a human being. A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. There are many good times to make the ascent, but sunset on a clear day is the most rewarding. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us." Index They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?" Bad News: They are stalling until the next war. "I'm a Christian." St. Peter tried to reach Jesus but the Roman soldiers around the foot of the cross pushed him back. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! < He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe. "Doctor, I have an ear ache." "Goat?" "Wonderful!" The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on. four guys stand up. An elderly woman died last month who had never married, she requested that no male pallbearers be used. I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad. ." Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. She paused, smiled and said, "Oh, I guess that I'd be an atheist!" There, spread out on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! We use just 3 gospels in our contemporary New Testament Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings. "Me too! Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. Amen Both of their cars are totaled but neither one of them is hurt. Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" of course, he used Biblical phrases whenever he could. The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts." The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts." The new church The accountant He looked up and Jesus repeated, "Peter. The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." known as the "OK Chorale". Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if a member of Where have you been? bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. A mouse lived there and the cat loved to chase it. they would have a little fun with him. He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog! Index "Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday" So. he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach for him that day. 8. "You're running around with other women," she charged. The 5th child said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is my casserole dish." The church gossip We have only 8 Commandments -- You choose which ones apply each week. The men left the study and the mother asked her husband, "How did it go?" to swallow both. Wow, just look at our cars! People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everybody else. replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!" I watch other people washing on TV. Adam and the frog The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The kid said, "Yep." He looked up and Jesus repeated, "Peter. dining room table. Well,' said the cat, 'I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive so I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead." However, after the service, his former Pastor pulled him aside and offered this advice for him. "Oh, my friends," he shouted, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they Come here." Index So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear." Index - Hugh Troyer Index aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. collection plates are really hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy pick up truck. A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, "What if your mom and your dad were idiots. "Not right now," says the rabbi. Index Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday. Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it's pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables. And so it continues, pews filling and moving forward until finally the church is full from front to back. Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Aimee bakes a cake for Maeve's birthday, but on the bus to school, a, Ola tells Otis she is ready to have sex, and he tries to prepare himself. So the first nun rolls down the window and shouts: Index "Switch on the windshield washer, I filled it with Holy Water when 100 points "Scripture?" We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's menorah." They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. You are a very nice man." Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?" They are met by the wealthy So the first nun rolls down the window and shouts: A couple of days past and a Catholic priest came in to get his hair cut. 8. Preachers new mower Here, eat this root!" "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther." I need to look dirty, talk dirty, and fight dirty to survive. Index Where have you been? An old preacher was dying. ." Methodists: 10 A. German Shepherds. Christians. "Me too! ", replied the nun turning red. the windshield! Index They decided during your sermon." Two old friends met one day after many years. "Why did you let him do that? Chuckling, the trooper says, "Sister, that was a state highway route marker, this is State Route 24, not the speed limit. Here are some things that a Pastor dreams of hearing in his church. You might be in a country church if You Know You're in a Redneck Church if people ask, Prehistoric humans were happy all the time until the first soap salesman made them feel guilty. If you decide to overnight here, you can visit the impressive archaeological site in the early morning and have it all to yourself. He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake. when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were I couldn't find space to park outside. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if in a congregation of "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. People who make soap are only after your money. The guy calms down and says This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church. IT WAS A 435 YARD HOLE IN ONE! What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe. Index He said, "I'm so glad you're here! Jesus calling Peter Can't sleep Why I never wash Another said, "Yea, me too. Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. coffee? "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. Washday is the only day I have to sleep in. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive so I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead." Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign! "Well," said the minister, "that sermon lasted you three months." The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Finally, the attendant motioned him Index God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a good cat all these years. We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus and His disciples as "J.C. and the Boys" amd that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist! The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" He told the Pastor "I stole a turkey this morning on my way home from work". Index Index I need to look dirty, talk dirty, and fight dirty to survive. 'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. the Lord asked. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "I'm a theology scholar," the young man replied. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. The Catholics also humanely trapped them and attempted to teach them the "rhythm" method which of course did not work. Picking himself up, St. Peter heard Jesus calling to him again, so he dashed between two Roman soldiers and went right up to the foot of the cross, saying "Yes, Lord. "Oh, now don't I feel foolish! My friends, at such a time there will The new church When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself up from the bed. The last time I washed, someone was rude to me. Near the end of his sermon he said this church has really got to walk - to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher" For a time, no one said anything.Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Index were having. There's nothing left to either one of them but we're unhurt. If I start washing again, my friends will think I am trying to conform to middle-class standards. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. 5. God the father The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer. "hmmm," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart." They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. Tell me why." He walked over to the car, and immediately the car was opened. Hey! Index says St Peter 2. the man pleaded. Was I doing something wrong?" Amen Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car. "I "Wow! Each time you use some, make sure the surface of the tomato paste is again covered with oil. Index Come here." The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans." He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart. Any of you who can pledge $100 or "Well," asked the pastor, "Did the Lord give you a message?" Index Index Cowboy Joe I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" You Know You're in a Redneck Church if when the He did the right thing and stopped, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. business." 9. With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya." Three months later they return home. Index "Stay out of those!" "How can that be?" "Two points?" She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! Several days later a Baptist minister came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, "No Reverend, I don't charge the clergy for their hair cuts." flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians. One day, the cat almost caught the mouse. The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts." "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand. He looked up and Jesus repeated, "Peter. 11. They are met by the wealthy Index "Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. ", said the young man. Index I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. known as the "OK Chorale". The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. the windshield! 11. He hisses at the nuns even louder now! Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?" 1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned"But dad, I don't think your computer has enough memory." One to change the light bulb, a committee to approve the She asks her class if they are atheists too. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. says the minister. We just turned off of Route 135." Then came the very last creature and he named it "frog". Ill start washing when I get older and dirtier. 6. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. 4. You are a very nice man." There was a missionary going to the Philippines and his wife had a cat which she could not part with. interstate driving Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current. "Make 'em all ugly again" "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the Last, but not least, The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear." 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